Getting Old

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

Boozing Pals

Four old boys, one from Scotland, one from Egypt, and the other two from America, have been going to the same gay bar for years. Finally, one of the Americans passed away from old age.

The other three boozing pals are gathered around the coffin to say their final farewells.

The Egyptian, through his tears, says "You know, in my country, we have a tradition of leaving money in the coffin so our dear departed friends can buy their own cocktails when they pass over"

The other friends agree that this is a splendid idea, they did not want their friend to have to hustle for drinks on the other side.

The other American takes out his bill-fold and places a hundred dollar bill in the coffin, as does the Egyptian.

The Scottsman scoops up and the money and replaces it with a check for $300.

The Missing Lover

A guy went to the police station with his room mate to report that his lover was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

He said, "He's 35 years old, 2 metres tall, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 92 kgs, is soft-spoken, and has an 8 inch cock."

The room mate protested, "Your lover is 1,65 m, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and you told me his dick was smaller than your pinkie finger."

The guy replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Lovers Castoffs

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:

Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?"

And so, here we are!"

Uncle Adam

Bob and Joe are baby sitting Joe's kid for his ex-wife on a Saturday morning. Bob is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he has forgotten to tell Joe that his ex-wife had called while Joe was out doing some work in the garden, and that her new boyfriend was coming around at noon to pick up the kid. Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little boy's voice.

"Hi, kid, is Daddy near the phone?"

"No, he's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Adam, Mommy's new boyfriend."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But Mommy's new boyfriend isn't called Uncle Adam, boy!"

"Well, he is so called Uncle Adam, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Daddy!"

Bob was jealous, not so much because Joe was cheating on him, but because the boyfriend was an absolute hunk and Bob had fantasised about him. 'I'll get even with Joe for this,' he thought.

"Okay, then, we'll call him Uncle Adam. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Daddy and Uncle Adam that your Mommy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay!"

A few minutes later, the little boy comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Daddy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around in a panic. He then tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps, and he's just lying there. I think he's dead."

"Oh, my God! And what about Uncle Adam?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. He must not have known that Daddy took out all the water this morning to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool. He's just lying there not moving. He may be dead, too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

The Pearly Gates

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Car Accident

Two guys are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the first guy says, "So you're gay; I noticed the rainbow flag on your car. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the second guy replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The first guy continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the second guy. The second guy nods his head in in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the first guy. The first guy takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the second guy.

The second guy asks, "Aren't you having any?"

"No, I think I'll just wait for the police"