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A Party
Sam's been working hard for 15 years on the stock exchange and the stress has finally got to him. So he quits his job and buys a cottage in the middle of nowhere, up in the Scottish Highlands.
For 6 months he doesn't see a single person, until one evening just as he is finishing dinner, there is a knock at his door. He opens it and standing there is a gigantic, ginger-bearded Scotsman in a kilt.
"Name's Hamish. I'm your neighbour from the other side of the glen. I'm having a party on Saturday and I thought you might like to come along."
"That's very kind of you," says Sam. "After 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some of the locals. Thank you very much."
"Good," says Hamish with a smile. "I better warn you, though, there's gonna be serious drinking done."
"No problem," replies Sam. "After 15 years in the stock market I can drink with the best of them.
"More than likely to be a punch up at some point as well," says Hamish.
"Oh I'm sure I'll be OK," says Sam. "I can look after myself, and besides I tend to get along with most people."
"One last thing," says Hamish as he turns to leave, "I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, as well."
"Well now you're talking," says Sam, "what time should I come over?"
"Oh, whatever time suits you," says Hamish. "After all, it's only going to be the two of us."
What do you call a gay milkman?
A dairy queen.
What's a real gay buddy?
Someone who will go downtown and get two blowjobs and come back and give you one.
Did you hear about the gay tennis pro?
He blew his rival off the court.
What did the gay whale do to the submarine?
It bit off one end and sucked out all the seamen.
Where did you put it?
There was a magician working on a cruise ship. There was also a parrot that was always ruining his act, saying in the middle of a trick, "The card is up his sleve," or "He has a dove in his pocket," or "He slipped it through a hole in his hat."
One day the ship sank. The parrot and the magician found themselves together on a life raft. For serveral days, the parrot sat silent and stared at the magician. On the fourth day, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
A contest.
Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."
The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."
Some help.
A horse and chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward and saves him.
Just a few days later the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stands over the hole and says, "Grab my love pump and pull yourself up." The chicken does and hauls himself to safety.
The moral of the story? If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
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