A Horrible Thing!

One day, an English lady says to her son, "Phillip, my darling, I think it's time for you to seriously think about giving a heir to our family."

Phillip says, "Not yet, dear mother, I want to enjoy some more of my bachelor's years."

"But you are already 45! I think it's about time that you start a family. I was thinking about Lady Margaret, what do you think of her?"

"Mother, Lady Margaret? She is sillier than a goose! How can you think of her as your daughter-in-law?"

"Well, yes, you are right, my dear, just that she is the daughter of the Prime Minister. It would have been a really nice marriage, but I understand you. What do you think then about Lady Jane?"

"Lady Jane, mother? But she stinks, I can't spend my whole life at the side of a stinking woman!"

"Yes, you are right, even though her family is the richest in south England. It would have been a convenient marriage, but I understand you. Now, how about Lady Elizabeth?"

"But mother, she has a huge nose, and moreover, she limbs like a galloping horse!"

"Yes, but she is from the oldest aristocratic family in the United Kingdom. My dear, there must be at least someone that you like."

"Well, mother, in fact there is someone that I like."

"Well, that's wonderful! Who is that, my dear?"

"It's Sean, our stable boy."

Horrified, the Lady screams, "What are you saying?!! How can you do such a horrible thing to me? Don't you know he is a Roman Catholic?!"

The Last Wish

Two older, suburban, gay gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.

"Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous... pot, or, I don't know what it is! It is It's pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!"

Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.

Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!

"Honey, come here!" he yelled.

Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.

"Do not be frightened!" The creature says. "I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!"

The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says, "Do we have to give all three now?" "Very well," the genie replies. "You have three days in which to ask for your wishes." With that, the genie vanished.

The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick one together. They decided to first ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.

That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvedere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model.

Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.

"Hurry and think of something before its too late!" Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision.

Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says. "Open up boy! We gone kill you!!", a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn.

"Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim runs over.

"What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I'll call the police!" Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!

"HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Scott screams.

"I can't" he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door.

"WHY NOT?!"

Jim paused and replied, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men."

Boyfriends

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Paratrooper

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.

"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."

"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.

"Just a little at first" answered the boy.

"Oh, you know, my son doesn't yet date girls, he is still playing with dolls..."